Still Coping but will never let it beat me down
I am a 33 year old female who was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 6 months ago. That being said it has been a pretty devastating thing in my life. I have outbreaks at least once a month that last for about 2 weeks. I know exactly who gave it to me although they will NEVER admit it. But I think the fact that they never wanted to go get tested after I told them I was diagnosed was a clear sign of guilt to me.
Who does't want to go get tested after someone tells you they have been diagnosed?!?! Someone who already knows they have it in my book but neglected to tell me that before sleeping with me.
I do also take the responsibility in that I was careless and beat myself up constantly about it. When having an outbreak I get angry, depressed and am overall just tired. Having this disease is not only a hard thing to cope with mentally but it is also physically draining and painful. I am desperate to find something that will take away the month re-occurring outbreaks which are just a constant, constant reminder of everything.
I know people say it isn't the end of the world and that life will go on and I will find someone who will be accepting, but at this phase of the disease I am just trying to learn how to cope and accept which is very hard to do when you have to be dealing with it all the time.
I am a strong woman and am trying my hardest not to let this get the best of me and I am sure that over longer periods of time when the outbreaks become less frequent (I hope) that I will feel better about it and I will believe that I will find someone. I do
know that this does NOT define who I am as a person, but it has changed my life significantly some for the good.
I was not given the choice to get this disease that was taken away from me, but I will never put someone else through that. No matter how afraid I am, I will always tell someone before I sleep with them my situation. That just means I need to make sure that that person is DESERVING and a really trust worthy person to know this very private thing about me. I am scared to death of being rejected and never finding someone but that doesn't mean I am going to give up. I am taking the time to accept myself which is first and foremost. If I don't accept this myself then how can anyone else.
Having Genital Herpes has had a huge impact on my life. I have changed but for the better for the most part. It has given me the strength to realize that I am a precious person and that the next person I am with has to be deserving of me. Men were a thing I used to gain self esteem, now I know that my self esteem needs to come from within me. I know that given more time that my self esteem will get better.
I am making healthier life decisions, smarter decisions about people and trusting people. It has really opened my eyes. I still have days especially when I am having an outbreak where I feel like I just don't want to deal anymore and want to crawl in a hole and stay there, but I also know that is no way to live my life. I want to have a family one day and I will not let this get in my way and get the best of me.