Recently Diagnosed

by Marles

Hi everyone,

I'm a 26 year old female and I just found out last week that I have HSV1. I'm not sure how I'm handling this. Sometimes I cry, other times I feel numb, dirty, regretful, ashamed.. the list goes on.

I lost my virginity at age 21 with my first long time bf. We were both virgins so everything was new to us. Unfortunately, three years later I fell out of love so our relationship ended. I had a rebound guy I dated after him and had un protected sex but I was checked after all that and I was fine. Then about two years ago I dated this younger guy for about 6 months. Sometimes we used condoms other times we didn't but hey everything was okay right bc he was my bf... No, I was completely wrong.

It wasn't until now, two years later that I noticed something odd down by my vagina. I brushed it off, said it was tight underwear or tight clothing that caused it. A week later it was still there so I decided I needed to get checked out. I'm a hypochondriac so I immediately thought it was herpes but my mom was convinced it couldn't be.

I have had the most stressful year of my life. I'm currently applying to medical school and I just finished an accelerated masters in medical sciences at USF. I basically took the first two years of medical school in one year.. It was the most stressed out I had ever been in my life. BUT, I didn't break out until now.. After the program? A month after to be exact. I'm so confused by this bc the amount of stress I was under for the past year was unbearable and NOTHING ever showed.

Here is the kicker of my story. I have had a long time male friend for years. We have always been attracted to one another but timing was always off. Well, things started to change between us last December when he kissed me on a visit down home. Then in March he came and spent a
weekend here with me where we had sex.

One night we used a condom, the other night we didn't. Then I have an outbreak 5 months later? But he says he gets tested every 6 months and his last test was negative. Could it have been him? He is re testing now bc I informed him of my recent diagnosis... Which was very difficult to do. But what if he didn't have it before and I gave it to him now? He is going to hate me, possibly even resent me. He always tells me how I mean the world to him and he needs me in his life. And deep down, as much as I deny the feelings and repress them, I feel the same way.

What if all of this changes now? What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he thinks I'm disgusting now? I've only been with 4 people. I've always been picky and reserved and still this happens? Come on... What the hell. I have gone through so many obstacles in life that I have had to over come but I've always had my confidence and my drive to succeed. I've always pushed men away in fear they would hurt me... I didn't live my life to the fullest. What if that's all over now? What if my friend sees me differently?

It's ironic because being pre-med, I've studied all kinds of diseases and you'd think I would have been well informed about herpes. Well, the more I learn about it now, the more I realize how little I knew about it.

Im currently waiting for my friend's results. I'm praying I didn't pass it to him.. I don't know what to do if I did. I guess I'm experiencing my first OB now but it is inside from what I can feel and pretty mild. I'm emotionally devastated though. I can't even look in the mirror without crying. I'm hoping that the once confident woman inside of me can be found again. I'm tired of crying but I can't seem to stop.

Thank you all for hearing my story.

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