Please Help, I Need The Truth!

by L
(South Africa)

Hi there,

I really need some advice on this one. I had herpes before I met my boyfriend and gave it to him. We slept together when I wasn't having an outbreak and I stupidly thought that it would be OK. I got the wrong advice from a doctor who told me that I didn't have to tell my partner, just wear condoms and that would be fine. I feel terrible about this and I somehow wonder if he hasn't been holding this against me the whole of our relationship, which is a year and 4 months.

I've caught him out many times lying. We are both addicts and he started to relapse when I met him, drinking. I gave him an ultimatum and then he went out to work the next day and was gone for hours, came back looking guilty and he had bought a new shirt that morning so had changed into it when he was at work. When he came back he quickly undressed and put a new shirt on and sprayed cologne all over. I have this kind of intuition when things arent right and when he's lying to me.

So ever since then, he told me of course that nothing happened and that I just didn't trust men, etc and was paranoid. But a month ago, after all this time and me constantly thinking that he was cheating on me, causing us to move in together where I started trusting him and things went well... well...; after all this time he finally told me that yes there was a woman there that he had flirted with because he was angry with me (for giving him an ultimatum).

And he kept saying, I wish I had cheated on you so that I could tell you about it and we could move on..... and he could have just told me about the flirting and it would have been OK, but he left me to think that he was lying to me and I couldn't figure out why.

Anyway, because of our addictions he had to go to hospital to withdraw from drugs and I stayed at my parents house to withdraw. It's been a nightmare and
everyone says that 2 addicts together is not a great idea. So after about 20 days in hospital he got out and we spent the night together and had sex.

Now, about a week and a half later, I've found that I have a herpes outbreak. When we were having regular sex together and were living together before he went to hospital, the outbreaks between us stopped, as if we got used to each other and we haven't had a problem with herpes once. We had some problems with both getting outbreaks in the beginning but that soon cleared up.

Now I'm finding that he's been lying to me about things, like, he told me last night that he doesn't even watch porn on his phone anymore etc... and then today I looked at his computer history and there it shows that a few days ago he was searching for free hardcore porn. So he's such an addict that he's so used to lying, and he lied to me about flirting with this woman at work (and it could have been more, how would I know, if he can lie about little things, what about the rest?)

I've been through a lot, have been gang raped (before I met him) and then they tracked my cell and was gang raped, only worse, 6 months later. This was in another city and why I'm staying with my parents. We lived together for a few months and now he's with his parents too as we really did hit rock bottom.

Please can someone tell me, me sleeping with him about 2 weeks ago (the length of time it takes for an outbreak to occur once exposed I hear), does this mean (or is there a considerable chance) that he was having sex while we were apart and it caused his herpes to flare up (because I've found that having a different sexual partner can do this). And then he gave it to me?

I just need to know if the reason I have a herpes outbreak is because we had sex after all this time, or is it because he slept with someone else?

If you can answer this I'd appreciate it.



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