Me and My Viruses; Trying To Find Peace
Sometimes I feel like I'm collecting Pokemon cards, the way I've been contracting viruses lately. I was first diagnosed with HPV (genital warts) four months ago. My boyfriend was great, he apologized, was there for me, cuddled me, came to the doctor with me, just everything you'd hope a guy would do in this situation.
Then about a month later I came down with an extremely bad sore throat and inflamed mouth. My gums were swollen so much that I went to the walk-in clinic because I was in so much pain. She swabbed a "cut" on my swollen gum, but I didn't have to wait a week to get the results. Two days later a large blister popped up on my lip. Oh great, HSV 1. My boyfriend did get cold sores, and he had had a suspicious looking cut on the inside of his lip the week before. We'd just figured it was a canker sore.
Rule #1: ALWAYS assume every sore in your mouth is herpes when you have HSV 1. Better safe than sorry. Again he apologized but just seemed surprised that he had actually given me this virus. After all in his 25 years he'd never given it to anyone else before. I wasn't too upset about this one at the time, seeing as how cold sores are so common. It was just a nuisance I'd have to live with. I figured I was just having some bad luck lately but it would get better.
Then I got genital herpes.
I was on antibiotics and as a result had an absolutely horrible yeast infection. As it finally started to clear up, I noticed a bump. That bump soon developed into a sore and then multiplied to three bumps and before you knew it I was at the walk in again getting swabbed for what I already feared was herpes. My boyfriend came with me to the doctor to get the official results, that I was positive for HSV 2. Wahoo.
I went on a trip two days later and was gone for three and a half weeks. I pushed herpes to the back of my mind and didn't think about it much. When
I got back my boyfriend was weirdly distant, and continued to be for the next month. He didn't apologize for this one like he had before, didn't comfort me as much, didn't talk about it. He stopped asking how my doctor’s appointments were and didn't seem upset that we were barely having sex. The thing is, at the time I didn't notice it. I was too busy realizing that I have genital herpes and the effect it was going to have on my life.
Then out of the blue he broke up with me. Said he just wasn't feeling the same. The sad thing is I had finally gotten rid of my genital warts (because oh yeah let’s not forget about those guys) two days before. Things were starting to look up.
But now I'm alone getting genital outbreaks once a month and a cold sore every three weeks like clockwork. I'm sad and angry and so hurt. I'm depressed and life hasn't been the same since. I'm not going to bother going into detail about my ex's reasons for leaving or how I know for sure I got this from him. Just know that he's not a bad guy, he's a good guy who's just been a complete jerk to me. That almost makes it harder to deal with. I miss him and keep hoping he’ll realize how big of an ass he's been, but I know I can't live like that.
I can't say I'm living happily with herpes yet. It freaks me out and makes me cry more often than not. But I'm writing this because it feels good to talk about it, and also because for me I know I just like to know other people are going through the same thing.
So when someone who's in a similar situation reads this they won't feel so alone. We are going to get through this. It can't always be this upsetting; we will eventually find some acceptance. Herpes is so common; it really isn't the end of the world Even though it really does feel that way right now. Right?
We're just a statistic, the 10% that is actually aware that they have the virus. Lucky us.