Don't Feel Like Myself, Still Wishing To Be Free of HSV 2
Diagnosed about 2 years ago and still feeling trapped and not like myself. Had started dating an amazing woman right before the diagnosis. Was not grateful for her presence before hand as I had kind of found myself in a shallow place prior to diagnosis.
When I found out I felt almost out of body, like, how has this happened to me. I had broken up with her because I didn’t think the relationship was right for me. When I found out I felt she deserved to know and I told her right away. She got tested and was not infected. She was so compassionate and understanding and still wanted to see me. I was so blown away by that cause I figured if I were in the same situation reversed, I would have probably felt bad but been too scared / weak to maintain interest.
I still didn’t know if the relationship was right but felt I owed myself and this relationship a chance. It felt almost as if I got my diagnosis so I would wake up and see what matters most in this world vs the surface fun I was typically after.
Here I am almost 2 years later and I’m still wishing I was free of Herpes and still feeling kind of shallow and checking out other women all the time. It’s almost as if now that I have HSV2, I feel like I need to suddenly be this deep and compassionate individual that I never really took the time to develop and that I should be more focused on what really matters which is all below the surface. But here I am still struggling every day to connect to those things.
I feel as though I love my girlfriend very much but feel guilty often for still having so many shallow thoughts and desires. It weighs very heavily on me and I fear if I can’t figure it out I don’t deserve to be with someone as kind and compassionate and devoted if I am unable to reciprocate.
But I am also terrified that I do love her and would be at a total loss to break up with her only to find all my guilt and frustration was just keeping me stuck in this in between state of existence unable to go back but not knowing how to move forward.
Any advice on how to move forward would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.