I still can't believe it. It's been almost a week now since my doctor gave me the news, and I keep hoping I'll wake up and this will all just be a dream. I haven't been able to get over the devastation yet. Am I supposed to stay angry? Should I be upset? Sad? How am I supposed to feel? I turned 30 this past March and everyone tells me these are the best years....I should enjoy and embrace my 30s. The only thing I feel is that my life is over. Who is going to want a 30 year old with herpes? Let's face it; I have a life of rejection ahead of me.
To make this worse and an even bigger kick in the ass, about 3 months ago I was diagnosed with Chlamydia. Yup. STD experience number 1. Oh, and have I mentioned that I was a virgin until I was 26? I dreamed of meeting my husband and sharing it on the wedding night. One crappy relationship after the other led me to give up and I think I went through a phase... And, well, here I am.
I haven't slept in a week. I have no desire to go to work. I have no appetite. I have this rage inside me that I've never had before. And every time I'm around people, I am certain they know....And I feel they are looking at me 'down there.'
My outbreak is brutal. All I want to do is cry. I'm mad at the world. It's even harder because the person who gave it to me lied to me. Said he was clean and had just been recently tested. Then when I suspected something abnormal, he said it was all in my head. I have not spoken to him since the day I found out, after confronting him of course. His last words to me were of blame....Saying I gave it to him. Nice eh?
So, now what? How do I move on? Get over this? Through this? I feel like a walking parasite. I am utterly devastated. How do I prepare for a life of being alone?
This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. The reality of never getting rid of this makes me sick to my stomach. And god....I am so sick of crying.