by Kathy
(Vancouver Island BC Canada )

I was in a 8 year relationship were I have herpes. He didn't, we had an active sex life and had no contact if I had an outbreak. That relationship ended.

Now I am confused and honestly ashamed that when I have the talk I will be rejected because of this. My question is: do other people with herpes use a condom when they are not experiencing an outbreak? I have found sensitivity and pain post condom sex and I hate them yet I do not want to hurt someone else this way

I am so sad about this situation that I feel like my sexual future is over.


Dear Kathy,

I know how you feel about being anxious; most of us were at that period of life too. But don’t be afraid of having The Talk, you’ll soon find out that there are a lot more accepting and understanding people out there who will love you for who you are. It’s really important to be honest early on in the relationship, especially when you feel that being intimate is in the horizon.

To answer your question, it’s up to you and your partner to decide the level of risk you're both comfortable with. If your partner doesn’t have herpes, best to consider doubling your dosage of suppressive medication to avoid transmitting the virus. Whatever you do, never have sex during outbreaks. Our page on Genital Herpes Sex has great tips and advice which you might find helpful.

Lots of people still enjoy sex even with herpes! You’re sex life is definitely not over. If anything, this experience will make you value and treasure intimacy and getting to know the person first, which can lead to a more fulfilling intimate encounter.

God bless!



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