After 4 years I'm still angry and depressed

by NNgoma
(Cleveland, OH)

I was officially diagnosed in March 2010. I was dating a man who I thought I would one day marry. I had my first outbreak 3 years into the relationship. I had no idea what it was and didn't really think much of it. It was just some soreness and bumps. When he saw the lesion he knew what it was and decided to finally be honest. My initial reaction to this news was not pretty.

He claimed he got it from his ex-wife and since he didn't have many outbreaks (once or twice a year) he didn't think it was a big deal. Supposedly, she didn't tell him until after he proposed.

I just don't understand how a human being could do this to someone else. He took away my right to choose if I wanted to take this risk with him. And then, after all this, he decides he doesn't want a relationship, he just wants a companion. When I asked him if he ever cared about me he said he did and he still does and that he was just being selfish. To me, if you care about someone you don't expose them to a life-long virus and not tell them. If you care, you're honest.

I feel stuck! If the person who gave me this doesn't want me I can't imagine why anyone else would. I will never trust him again, but I don't have the strength to tell him to leave me alone. It's like, it's him or nothing.

My mom has been very supportive. She tries to encourage me to date and start dancing again. All I do now is eat and drink too much. I used to be fun. I used to ballroom dance, travel and have a lot of parties. All that's over. I feel so stupid for ever trusting him! I feel angry, depressed and dirty. Sometimes this is way too overwhelming for me.

My best friend actually feels sorry for him. She doesn't like for me to say negative things about him and she tells me "this isn't about him." I say, yes it is. I didn't choose this, he did. Now I have to do all this work to fix me. I am angry!

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