4 Years Later; Still Scared But Keep On Going
I was dating whom I thought was the love of my life, about 4 years ago and he turned out to be my worst nightmare come true. He was my first serious boyfriend out of college. I met his whole family, went to family picnics, spent holidays with him and we were even trying to get pregnant. He asked me to marry him countless times and we even looked for an apartment together. I truly thought this man was it for me.
Well, going into our 2nd year together I found out he was living a double life with another woman in another city about 30 minutes from where I lived. I knew he had an apartment out there, I had even been there with him a couple times, and there was no sign of a woman (believe me; I damn sure checked).
I would love to say I was completely surprise to find out he was cheating but I knew he was a womanizer when we got together, but he seemed liked he calmed down, and made it seem as though he was getting older and wanted a family and life with someone and he said he wanted that someone to be me. I was dumb, young and I believed every word. His mom was calling me her future daughter-in-law for Gods Sakes! Smh.
Nonetheless when I found out about the girl the fact that killed me the most is finding out he was telling her all the same things, and had been with her much longer than me. He had been with her for 5 years and the apartment I went to he shared with her. I later found out he was trying to get me preggo because he didn’t believe she could conceive since they’d been together so long and she never got pregnant. I also found out that I was supposed to be a one night stand, but he fell in love blah blah blah.
I dumped him long story short, and moved on with my life; or so I thought. About a year later I started dating my childhood crush we were intimate after 8 months and we used protection. I went to the doctor for a regular checkup (2012), like I always do when I switch partners and I wanted to get tested for HIV too so I had my blood drawn. I came back negative for everything except this hsv-2.
Crazy thing is my doctor was very shocked because he’d been monitoring me very closely since age 16, because I’ve always been so terrified and tedious of the slightest little change in my panties. I’ve showed him bumps before, but after closely examining them he’d say they were hair bumps or razor, or little cyst, but they weren’t blisters, and not close together like other outbreaks he’d seen, it was always just one bump in an odd space. When he explained to me what an outbreak normally looks like and how it feels I explained that I did in fact have one while dating my ex.
It was horrible, these little sores and then I whelped up big time but it was nowhere near my vag, it was on one of my buttocks. I showed
my mom because at the time I was living with her, I was so inexperienced and had never had anything like that happen. I got some ice and gold bond and it went away in like a few days so I didn’t think anything of it. Anyway, crazy thing is I remember showing my ex while we were together and he brushed it off as nothing too. A huge part of me believes he knew, and I’m still a little upset about it because now he is married (with the woman he was cheating on) and they have a baby.
It’s 4 years later I’m living with this and scared nearly half to death of having to explain this to a lover or boyfriend if I ever even get another one. I just don’t think it’s fair. He did everything wrong, lied, cheated, and manipulated and gets to live a happy life with a wife and a kid.
My life is not horrible, I’m actually surrounded by a bunch of people that love me. A select few; my mom, my sister, and two of my closes friends know about my condition and they are very supportive; always reminding me that I am normal and still can have a happy life with a loving man. I remember when I found out I cried for 3 days straight, I wouldn't eat and my mom felt so bad for me. I quickly snapped out of it when I realized that stress brings on outbreaks. My bestfriend confided in me that she had it, and we cried together. She too caught if from a cheating boyfriend.
Anyway I was scared to tell my childhood crush because we’d already been intimate multiple times by then and few times we didn’t use protection and I was afraid he’d blame me. We stopped talking for other reasons. However now I’m dating someone, and after reading these stories I know the time has come for me to grow up and face this monster and start telling people I like. I just get terrified at the thought of someone rejecting me and then telling everyone about it.
I live in a city where word gets around, and everyone knows everyone and I’m literally scared to death. I have faith in God that I’m too good a person to be alone forever, but sometimes I do have those moments I think maybe I’m supposed to be alone. I cry and sometimes when I meet a good guy I cry because I don’t think I deserve him because of this virus that I didn’t ask for. Then I’m like, well, I had sex outside of marriage; unprotected at that so maybe subconsciously I did ask for it.
Most days I just try not to think about it. I take my meds, and the only time I’m reminded that it’s there is when I really like a guy or I feel that tingle, or even when I think about having kids one day. I’ve been having baby fever like crazy, and there’s nothing I’d like more than to find a man that will love me despite my past and scares, and start at healthy loving family. I just keep thinking about God and that’s what keeps me going.