When Should You Tell Partners Who Don't Have Herpes? If You Aren't Having Sexual Intimacy and Are Just Getting to Know Someone is This Something You Should Bring Up Right Away?

by C
(Texas)

I have had the virus for most of my life since age 18 and am now age 50. It came from an older partner who was also my first partner and was quite deceptive. I had to deal with this on my own during the 80s and 90s when support groups and internet talk about it was not so liberal and there has been in the past a huge stigma with it and still is to a great extent. I have two almost grown children who I told that I have it and they are okay with it. I have dated before and have had partners who were okay with it for a while but only one past partner rejected me after being intimate for about 6 months. He had other issues though.


But moving forward, I am not one who goes into intimacy very quickly. I am old school. Courting is the way for me to get to know a potential partner’s behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. Because let's be real, Herpes isn't the worst thing a person can have. So, I don't feel at all any less of a person. I hold myself with the highest regard and I am looking for not just a sexual partner but for someone who is emotionally stable and crazy about me. I recently started dating a guy who seems to like me a lot but I'm wondering when the right time to talk about it is.

I'm not planning on sexual intimacy with him any time soon because I just believe that you should get to know a person over a long period of time. Probably sounds old fashioned but I have learned that it works best. Is there a need to reveal that you have herpes when you are simply getting to know someone even if over the span of months? Or should you reveal it up front right away even though you aren't planning intimacy right away but you want to give them option to get out in case over the long run they wouldn't be cool with it?

To the 18 year old who just found out. Life gets better with time after you have lived with it for a while. Cheer up my friend. This is the 21st century. At least you have the opportunity to talk and share with so many others. There's so much information now and so much acceptance. It wasn't always this way not so long ago either. I have had it since 1981.

Back then, it was really taboo and so I suffered alone. Now you don't have to suffer alone. Cheer up. Get on with life. Take care of yourself. Learn what works health wise with the herpes virus. You can live and be happy with it. In fact, you will have a better life because of it. Because you will be forced to take good care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to love yourself in spite of it. God Bless and be strong.

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