Recently Broken Up with Herpes Partner
Exactly two years and 10 days ago I met a person that I thought would be my husband. Our story was always something I loved, but I am now regretting a lot of things.
Two weeks after the first time we had sex (incubation period to a tee) I had an awful OB. Because he lived in Ireland and I lived in the US, he was staying with me and we were in very close quarters. He convinced me it must be thrush and to not worry, but it got so much worse. I went to the doctor and he told me he's seen many herpes patients and he was certain this was the case. I returned home to my boyfriend and he got so upset for me, we both cried and panicked.
The next few days of his visit, I was in too much pain to think of the consequences of all of this and what it meant for my future. My parents knew I had been to the doctor and I told them I had HPV and my dad says "well thank god it's not herpes". My boyfriend was so perfect during that time, doing whatever I needed and trying to comfort me, we even continued to have sex once it started to subside.
After he left, we vowed we would see each other in a few months and he'd come back, which he did. We were so happy and I still had nothing to worry about because I thought he'd be the real deal and thinking about us breaking up made me too sad, both because of the herpes and I was madly in love.
While he was away, he got his first OB. I felt awful but wasn't surprised. To this day, he thinks I gave it to him and I think he gave it to me. He had 80 sexual partners compared to my 10 and has also had warts and chlamydia (sharing neither with me until months later). We got through this and honestly talked about it as a thing that sucked, but didn't matter because of how much we loved each other. Not to mention, we are both good looking, fun loving, social, successful, and have many friends and social groups so we made sure to keep living as normally as possible.
We visited each other back and forth over the next two years, as much as we could. All of our trips combined, we were physically together about 6 of those months (25 weeks in total). We'd spend every waking moment together of our time and talked on the phone constantly. Our plan was for him to move to me in less than a year, 3 years after we first met. He told my friends about the proposal
he had planned and I knew it was coming as well. We were in the homestretch and I was elated.
Bring us to just a month and a half ago, and I found out he had been cheating on me for a year. Obviously I was devasted, herpes didn't even cross my mind for a few days because I was in such shock. How he could do this at all let alone risk his second girlfriends health and his own reputation baffled me. When I asked what he'd do if he gave it to her, he said "I would have just ended it with her completely and been with you". Obviously not the man he pretended to be to my friends, family, and I.
While my story is pretty catastrophically awful, I am coping so much better than I thought. When he realized I'd never take him back he actually said "but we have herpes". I told him I'd rather spend my whole life single or risk telling another person and him rejecting me than be with someone who could do this. I never thought I'd be so empowered, despite having herpes and knowing I'd be facing the world of dating again with it. I also feel so empowered now that I'm single and "one night stands" aren't an option because of what I have.
It feels so good to be able to weed out the good from the bad so much easier and realize who's worth it. If I'm not close enough to be honest with him, then I shouldn't be sleeping with him in the first place. Granted, I still feel horrible sometimes and absolutely panic at the thought of meeting someone I have feelings for and having to tell them. But, I feel better being out of my manipulative relationship, even if it was my security blanket and keeping me from being single and facing other men with the reality of my situation.
I do need help though. Although I know going back to him is the worst thing to do, my fear of being single forever still cripples me. He did a horrible thing, but that security blanket of him accepting me and knowing everything about me is still in the back of my mind. After a month and a half of being broken up, he hasn't gone a day with out apologizing profusely.
To my friends it's a no brainer-- cut him off completely and move on. But I obviously can never tell them the truth about my reluctance to shut that door completely. If anyone has a story similar to mine, please share. In my head and even heart I know what needs to happen, but my fear of being alone is holding me back from cutting that option off completely.