Never Having "The Talk" AGAIN!

by Fed Up
(New York)

I contracted herpes 5.5 years ago from this a-hole I was dating. I remember it like it was just yesterday, he said he didn't know what I was talking about and stopped calling. I hadn't been with ANYONE else in TWO YEARS before that and was tested in that time all Negative! I have NOT been "OK" with any of it! I pretty much stopped dating since then because I can't even face the issue, let alone want to admit to anyone else.


Recently I met someone who I like a lot. We've been dating about 3 months and haven't had sex. As things started getting more intimate, I avoided him, because in fairness, I didn't want to take his choice away from him as it was taken away from me. So I decided it was time for the talk. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It's only been a week since the talk, we still talk on the phone but his sexual aggression has practically ceased. It's a hard decision to make, so I'm giving him time to process it, but to be honest, I can't ask him to do something that I probably wouldn't.

My conclusion, I will probably never EVER have "The Talk" with anyone ever again. When people have sex, they know there is a risk of this disease. I will do my part to avoid transmission, but I will NOT sit here and have someone within the first few months of dating know my business and make a decision if "I'm worth it". Three months is not enough time to consider that. I know it seems mean, but I was so vulnerable having that discussion and still feel that way. I dunno what he is thinking, I'm not sure if this is going to work, maybe it will but right now I'm feeling terrible.

This disease SUCKS! I HATE IT and I HATE the man who gave it to me! But unfortunately, I don't feel like this is a disease that people should learn to be "HAPPY" with. There needs to be a push for a cure so we can stop being classified negatively over a disease that is nothing more than an annoyance.

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Aug 09, 2015
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Nov 11, 2011
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Thanks for being real
by: Anonymous

I understand how you feel exactly. Only I did something awful. I got Herpes from one of my first two sexual partners. I used condoms with both and I was in a committed relationship. When I found out I was 19 and devastated.

After I found out I had it, I lost interest in dating because I didn't want to have the big talk. I eventually did. I wasn't all that interested in him, but he was into me. I just needed to see how someone would react to the truth and he was awesome. He did not want me any less. He's an example of an accepting person. That was a year ago.

However,I told my sister when I was first diagnosed, and that was a mistake. She means well, but she often says these insensitive comments about how hard it will be for me to find anyone and she implied that the one person who did accept me was desperate. It hurt.

I'm writing all this to say: I had drunken sex with someone recently and I didn't tell them. I feel sick. We have a mutual friend who told me he got tested and he didn't have anything. The relief is large, but I'm still worried and sickened with myself. I don't want anyone ever feeling how I felt that day. I will never do such an awful thing again.

My point is I understand perfectly how you feel: it's not our fault what happened to us and it's not fair that we're now going to be judged for it. It's fucked up, I know. But trust me when I say it's better to be honest. Not just to your partners, but to yourself as well. It takes a lot of strength to have the big talk. I admire you for it.


Nov 02, 2011
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Integrity
by: Anonymous

Firstly, I totally understand how you feel - I have HSV2 and have been through the complete cycle of anger, shame, denial, isolation and rejection. HOWEVER, I eventually realised I am still the same person I always was. I still have the same heart and soul and no human being is perfect (far from it!).

There are millions of people in this world with HSV - many don't even know they have it and it does not fortunately kill you or do anything other than cause some discomfort once in a while. If you had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, like so many people will have been in the world today, then perhaps it would be reasonable to imagine your life is over.

However, you have not and that is a gift. You are alive, well and fully functioning and able to give and receive love just as always. The difference now is that you have an opportunity to stand up for what you believe in the world and live with courage, dignity and integrity and know that you will meet many people with or without HSV who will love you for who you are and always have been... and that means a good, loving human being with courage and integrity.

It is an occasional blister. If it was Eczema on your genitals would you still runaway from the life you are supposed to have? Don't cheat yourself out of what is yours because of your insecurities - insecurities are illusions that you learned from others who didn't know better. You have a blister.


Oct 18, 2011
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the talk doesn't always end badly...
by: Anonymous

First up, I just want to say, I'm not writing here to judge. I've got herpes too and I know what a bitch it can be. I know how hard it can be to tell people, and I can't imagine how much worse that'd be having only had bad experiences with it.

I mostly want to reassure you that 'the talk' doesn't always go badly (in fact, from what I can gather from stories, they usually go quite well), and when they do go badly it's usually because the person's uneducated in the topic (that or they're not too interested in the person, more the sex).

Whenever I've had to have the talk with someone I know the torn feeling you get between not wanting them to feel as betrayed as you felt when you got it, and not wanting them to run away from you in fear. I hope things improve for you.


Oct 30, 2011
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If You Had Been Given a Choice
by: Anonymous

I understand your frustration, anger and fear. But please don't loose your integrity... remember how you are feeling right now before you decide to be intimate with a partner who is ignorant of what he may be risking. You weren't given a choice to decide if you wanted to enter into an intimate relationship knowing the risks.

Keep in mind that it is not you who is being shunned, it's the virus. Had you been given full disclosure and able to make a choice...what might you have chosen to do?


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