I'm Not Sure How I am Meant to be Feeling

by Kate
(Australia)

Yesterday, 12th November 2012, I went to see a doctor after several days of excruciating pain down below. It is uncomfortable to walk, stand, lay, urinate (especially); well pretty much uncomfortable to do ANYTHING!! At first I thought it was just a tear from having too much sexual intercourse with my partner of six months.

Unfortunately the doctor took one look and said those words a person wishes they would never hear; “YOU HAVE GENITAL HERPES”. The way she said it however made me feel like it was not a big deal. I was mortified, ashamed; I was feeling every emotion you can possibly think of. I wanted to cry but I did not feel it was the time and place.

I informed her I had a partner of six months and she told me to advice him to be tested. My heart dropped, he was going to think I cheated on him for sure. This is not the case though. A good year and half ago I slept with a guy; at first it was a one night stand but further lead to a short term fling.

I wasn't careful and of course had unprotected sex. I am now sitting here torturing myself over that decision. How stupid can I be, really? Obviously very stupid as my partner and I have had unprotected sex and now has to go through what I am going through; the unknown of how to feel, how to think about the future, about how this changes your sex life, future relationships if this one fails.

My next stop was to go get my blood tests done to be 100% sure I had the virus. This is where a lovely young nurse sat me down and asked if I was okay with needles. This simple question made me experience my first break down after hearing the possibility of having GH. She ensured me it was okay, got me a glass of water and explained that I would be very surprised as to how many people walk in and out of the doctors being checked for GH. Although I eventually stopped crying this did not make my shame go away. Blood tests were complete. Status... PENDING!

I ventured back home to where my partner was still sleeping. I sat at the end of the bed and cried. He eventually woke and asked what was wrong and how the doctors went. All I could say was “you need to get checked for Genital Herpes” and bawled my eyes out. At first his response was “f@#$%^& hell”. I could tell he was angry and I wasn’t expecting anything less. What happened next made me realise how beautiful he was inside and out.

Still crying, he asked me “are you going to come here or what?” He pulled me into his arms and told me we would work it out, we would get through this. He stayed with me for the afternoon and night holding me when I needed him and giving me space when I wanted to be alone to deal with it. He was my emotional nurse. He made me feel lucky to have him. He let me fall asleep in his arms; I felt at peace my first night of knowing I had GH.

Today, 13th November, I feel guilty. I feel guilty over the thought I may have passed on this virus to a guy that doesn't deserve it. I feel dirty. It doesn't help the pain I am going through with my first breakout.

I am still feeling overwhelmed from my news. Do I tell my mum? Do I tell my sisters? Do I keep it to myself so others don’t judge me? The only thing I do know is if you have the slightest inkling that you may have GH please do not feel ashamed to go get tested. My breakout could have been prevented if I had of gotten myself checked after I slept with my short term fling.

My partner has been amazing through all this even if he is angry with me. He was able to open up to me and let me know he is with me for all wonderful reasons and this won't pull us apart.

It's hard to shut off the emotions this all brings but having him around and reading others blogs helps to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so thank you!!

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